[This article was originally published on January 15, 2019.]
I’ve started writing this a few times, and each time, I have deleted it. I feel like, each time, I have ended up rambling, and I don’t want my writings to be ramblings. Let’s see how it goes this time.
We are going through our fourth miscarriage. Three of our losses occurred within the past six months. This one has been very different than the others. This one was what is called a ‘silent’ or ‘missed’ miscarriage. So, we had the heartbreaking news that there was no heartbeat at our first checkup for this pregnancy. Then came the waiting. Waiting with fear. Would things proceed naturally, or would I have to take what I have named the ‘pills of doom?’ Would I get an infection? Would I end up needing a D & C?
As I prayed and waited with a deadline looming of when I would have to take the ‘pills of doom,’ I pondered. I know that God is in control, yet…I fear. I know that God is good, yet…I still fear. I sought the reason for this fear, and I found it. There is a quote that goes something like this, “God will not protect us from what He can use to make us more like Christ.”
Ann Voskamp echoes this truth in her book One Thousand Gifts when she says:
“Suffering nourishes grace, and pain and joy are arteries of the same heart—and mourning and dancing are but movements in His unfinished symphony of beauty… The hard discipline to lean into the ugly and whisper thanks to transfigure it into beauty. The hard discipline to give thanks for all things at all times because He is all good. The hard discipline to number the griefs as grace because as the surgeon would cut open my son’s finger to heal him, so God chooses to cut into my ungrateful heart to make me whole.”
C. S. Lewis says it in this way in A Grief Observed:
“The more we believe that God hurts only to heal, the less we can believe that there is any use in begging for tenderness. A cruel man might be bribed—might grow tired of his vile sport—might have a temporary fit of mercy, as alcoholics have fits of sobriety. But suppose that what you are up against is a surgeon whose intentions are wholly good. The kinder and more conscientious he is, the more inexorably he will go on cutting… What do people mean when they say, ‘I am not afraid of God because I know He is good’? Have they never been to a dentist?”
I came to realize that I was afraid, not because I doubted God’s goodness, power, or control over my situation but because I know that sometimes He permits me to go through great trials and suffering to humble me and refine my soul. But, in this realization, I noticed that my reason for fearing what God might or might not do was essentially me saying, “God, I don’t trust you,” which is strange because I say that I do and believe that I do.
I remember after one of my deliveries with my children that I had a lot of bleeding. I considered that this was the closest to death that I had ever been, so I considered my faith. Did I have peace that what I claimed to believe was true? Did I have peace that God would take care of my husband and children with me gone from this earth? The answer was a peaceful “yes.” I had complete peace that God was in control and that He would care for my children and husband in my absence. Yet, in the day-to-day living, how often do I forget this? God is always in control. God is always good. God’s plan is always better than my own.
When the trials and struggles and opportunities for fear come again, I don’t doubt that I will struggle again between fear and trust, but I am thankful that whatever comes. God already knows, nothing comes as a surprise to Him, and He has already seen me through it.
May God help me come to know and live out His perfect love and give me a trust in Him that is greater than all my fears.
“There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears is not complete in love.” -1 John 4:18
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